Beware! Mars Not at All Like the Brochure

To: TripAdvisor
From: Mars Curiosity


Based on glowing reviews posted earlier by members "Spirit" and "Opportunity" I booked a visit to Mars. "Spectacular!" they wrote. "Magnificent!" "Red."  They praised the off-roading opportunities, the lack of crowds and the long dry season. "Never a wait for a tee time," they said. "And no bugs!"

Big mistake. I'm here here to tell you Mars is not as advertised.

First, there was the promised "pillow menu" at arrival that "Spirit" raved about so effusively. Never materialized. Instead I was left dangling for ages when I got here, hanging around while I waited for someone to acknowledge my presence.

Second, I don't know where "Opportunity" found that "party atmosphere," but it's nowhere near me. This place is totally dead from an activities standpoint. I can't even surf the Internet; the wi-fi's so abysmally slow that I haven't been able to download a single cat picture.

Third, while I like to think of myself as an unfussy sort of traveler I cannot ignore the deplorable standards set by housekeeping. Dust everywhere. I've called the front desk about it repeatedly, but nothing's been done. There's no way I'm leaving a tip.

Speaking of the front desk, I've never encountered one so rude. They have the unmitigated gall to ask ME to do things for THEM! "Look around." "Take pictures." "Send us an email." Honestly, you'd think they'd never been here! Phoned-in service like that is absolutely unacceptable in a five-star resort.

But the last straw is the swim-up bar. Evidently it's been closed for eons.

All in all, cannot recommend.